So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
