I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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