I accidentally burped into my bong.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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