eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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