Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
