I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
