Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
