Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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