Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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