he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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