So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
