I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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