I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
