Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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