The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
