he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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