every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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