Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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