she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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