Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
