my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
