she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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