first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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