He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
