My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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