You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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