you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
