so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
