failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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