I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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