does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
