The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
