wanna go halves on a baby?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Randomize
