Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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