Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
