she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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