i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
