Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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