and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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