I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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