you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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