I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize