highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
