Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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