I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Farmville is her only friend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
