watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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