"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
