y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
