If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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