I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
