I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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