she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
