M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
