Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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