After last night, I could never be a politician.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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