My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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