i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
