Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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