i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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