for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
